Why is it that just when things seem to be going so
well, something has to go horribly wrong that screws with your mind and
gets issues all out of proportion and comprimises your whole mentality
for the sake of stupid misunderstandings? Why? I trust that God has a
purpose, but in the midst of such affairs it is certainly hard to see
the light. But faith is being sure of what we hope for…..
    Classes are actually going well, academics are
hardly the problem. I’m happy to be discovering the new challanges that
college presents and more than willing to put forth the effort that was
lacking in high school.
   Social issues, on the other hand, are a constant barrage.
I’ve never seen myself as a hugely social person….not the social
butterfly or the extrovert by any means. For such a long time I
admired/envied Elizabeth (if you don’t know her, I apologize for the
reference, it’s the first thing that came to my mind) for her ability
to charm people with a word, to make friends so easily, to be the
“better” of two cousins. She was
the extrovert, always popular, always involved in so many
activities–and I was just the opposite. I would rather stay in and
read than go out with friends….although this also has had a lot to do
with my home being so far away from friends anyway.
    All that goes to say that I haven ever seen myself
as socially appealing or the type of person to whom other people are
drawn. I just never have been…..my mother used to get so frustrated
with me (and still does, at times) because I have been unwilling in
certain situations to confront people. That’s just beyond my comfort
level. I’ve definitely tried to work on that aspect of my
personality–I don’t want to seem at all exclusive or selfish by
appearing stand-offish or aloof. But I have just always known (and
learned in several instances) that I am not a social butterfly like
Elizabeth. She really has nothing to do with this situation (and I’m
certainly not trying to drag her or situations of the past into it),
but what is going on just reminds me so much of how I used to feel in
her presence. It is beyond me that anyone would feel that way because
of me. In fact, this is so hard for me to comprehend  that even
considering the idea is ridiculous to me. What threat do I pose? I
mean, honestly….me??
    I have always been in the corner….always the
lesser….I’ve never been paid much attention (socially) and I’ve
gotten used to it! There are other areas of my life that God has
granted me the grace to experience success and earn the praise of those
whom I admire….my art, for example, and academics. I don’t in any way
try to use these to fill some emptiness in me that desires fulfillment,
that is a ridiculous idea because essentially nothing material can fill
any void of human existence. I’m getting a bit philosophical….but
really this is how I think about these things. I suppose I could go on
all day….So, anyway, this all goes to say that I am frustrated that
anyone feels “threatened” and I feel like by not knowing that they felt
that way, I could have said or done things that have offended them.
When you feel like you are on the same plane with a person, you assume
that you can say anything to them and they will understand or feel the
same way. Ha. How wrong can I get? First of all, assumptions are just
not the way to go (make an ass of you and me)….and second, why should
I expect that anybody has the same mindset that I do? I suppose I never
thought it was too much to ask to be understood at least in some part,
but now I’m afraid it is more than most can handle. I understand how
hard it is to be honest about feelings, emotions, etc. but seriously I
rarely ever say things that I intend to be offensive to people. In that
case, when I do offend people it is almost always unintentional. Why?
Why do I feel like all I can do in this situation is ask “why”????? The
where, why and how of things are not in my hands at this point. Again,
I trust that God is in control and works all things for the good of
those who love Him. That’s it. I guess that’s why.