Lately, whenever I’ve seen something as beautiful as this…

 
Allure, 40×50. Casey Baugh (http://www.caseybaughfineart.com/)

….I have felt like throwing down my brush and giving up. It is hard to overcome the emotion of desperation in an environment lacking inspiration and routine. But I will persevere. Art has always been my passion, and it would be a shame to give it up now. Even in an industry of creativity (graphic design), I rarely feel as inspired as I think I should. But this thought occurred to me today as I was reading my daily devotion by Charles Spurgeon: The idea has never crossed my mind that just because Spurgeon was such a thoughtful and wise theologian, and so strong in the Christian faith, that I should give up my faith because I would never attain his level of practice. So, why should I cease the pursuit of a God-given talent on earth, simply because so many others excel around me? In fact, I suppose I should be more greatly spurred on by the successes of my fellow artists, rather than discouraged. Something to consider in the coming days as I begin a new painting. 🙂

What’s been going on lately with me:

Can’t decide which blog I want to use on a regular basis… right now it looks like I’ll just stick with posting on both at random and unpredictable times. (other blog: realhousewifechicago.blogspot.com)

Visited a new church the weekend before last: Park Community Church
And have begun attending a “small group” (aka Bible study) associated with the church community. Only one visit, so far, but it’s encouraging by first impressions. I’m still feeling a little frustrated that I have such a hard time connecting with people in a church community — sometimes I feel like no one but my family truly understands where I’m coming from. It is hard to feel spiritually stranded in your community, but I know there is a reason I have been put in this position, and am feeling a bit like the heroine of a book I just finished. More below…

I completed the excellent novel St. Elmo by Augusta Jane Evans last Tuesday. It was a fascinating novel about a Southern orphan who is adopted into a wealthy lifestyle but encounters in her new home the hard-hearted son of her benefactress. She is utterly devoted to her faith, and her studies, and the novel follows the course of her life as she grows to love the godless man called St. Elmo — and eventually becomes the inspiration for his salvation. It was such a good book, and I am so glad it came recommended by my mother. I’m seeking out more of Augusta Jane Evans’ novels, though they are about as hard to find as would be expected for a now-obscure Southern female author (who was, as it so happens, on the side of the Confederacy). This may lead to a little publication project for me, but more on that later (if it comes to fruition).

Other than that, my life has been a daily hodge-podge of work, cleaning, reading and watching TV (probably more than necessary) — and more wasted minutes than I care to count.

I’ve noticed that I really only write on my blog when something new/exciting or tragic/disappointing happens. Or if I’m in a bad mood…or an especially good mood. Basically: the extremes. As it so happens, none of those situations applies at this current moment (unless you count boredom an extreme–which I don’t). So, I figure I will just catalogue some of the fun things that have been going on in my life lately:

Well, I’ve been stuck in a bit of a rut lately…mentally, emotionally, phsyically and spiritually, as well. Not that there haven’t been some very bright moments in my life lately (visit to GA for a family reunion!), but I’ve been finding it easier and easier to wallow in doubt and self-pity. I’ve felt pretty stressed about my current life situation–job, location, purpose–but when I sit down to pinpoint the reasons, nothing turns up.

There are so many reasons to be thankful:

• I am living in a beautiful home in a beautiful city (at least for now…winter gets pretty bad)
• I have a wonderful husband who listens to my complaints and is (for the most part) supportive
• I have a job that I don’t hate, that pays fairly well
• I am young and healthy
• I have a loving, supportive family (on both sides)
• I have access to technology that allows me to complete my work, communicate with those I love and become more knowledgeable about the world around me
• I have the capability to create on a daily basis and the means to do so…

So what gives?

Well, here are some things that have been stressing me out lately:

• Not feeling fulfilled by our church-going experience
  It’s been so hard to find a good (conservative) church in the city! We found one that we thought was promising, but has turned out to be a bit of a dud. After so many visits, I’m having a hard time convincing DH that we may need to search farther abroad…

• Questioning my purpose/career for the next couple years:
  There are a lot of things that I enjoy doing: mainly things that involve creating and being artistic (painting, graphic design, photography, interior design…the list goes on). But I feel as though I am only mediocre at most of those things. So, my question to myself is, what am I meant to do with these passions/unfulfilled talents? Which one am I supposed to pursue (if any)? When and how am I supposed to pursue them? I know there is no better time than the present, but it is almost as though I am afraid to pick one path and then be forced to stick to it. I am paralyzed by the prospect of failure…and embarrassed that I am so doubtful about fulfilling my God-given potential when I see so many around me doing just that. This is a daily struggle.

• Missing my home, family, past…
  Sometimes I feel way too young to be living in a big city, far away from the home/city where I grew up, miles away from the friends I knew, struggling to make some sort of connection with my current locale and failing. Is this how most 22-almost-23-year-olds feel about life? Everything is so unfamiliar and, while sometimes exciting, not “safe” (in the mental/emotional way). I feel bad sometimes that I can’t make myself like the place that my husband so enjoys. And they say that “home is where the heart is”, but what if your heart is divided? I never realized until moving here (Chicago) that I was so connected to the place where I grew up. And even the place I went to college! It’s funny how just one connection in such a big city isn’t always enough to make it a great place.

I am cataloguing these things more as a reminder of what I am to be grateful for, rather than reasons to continue moping, but I am also hoping for a little encouragement. Any suggestions are welcome! Especially stories…and successes. I’m sure someone else has been where I am…right???

Events of the last few days…

Friday…
Girls Night In
Met lots of fun and friendly women; enjoyed some great food (a la Zhenya!) and sangria (a la Meghan!); valuable conversations; beautiful view from the top of Zhenya’s building; and an entertaining game of Apples to Apples.

Saturday…
Old Town Art Fair, part 1: a brief glimpse of the wonders of this street art fair on our way to the farmers’ market!

Green City Market: caught some great deals as the vendors were closing up shop. It was raining, but we still managed to enjoy walking around and tasting their wares! 🙂

Kenny Chesney Concert: nearly 7 hours of country-music mania! Lady Antebellum, Miranda Lambert, Montgomery Gentry, Sugarland AND Kenny Chesney. All for $25!! It was a great show, but very long and our tempers were a little short at the end….but I think it was worth it (except for the $7 beers). 🙂

Sunday…
Slept in…no church 🙁 It annoys me slightly that churches in the city find it necessary to move the normal 10:30am service back to 9am for the saking of “enjoying the day”. Isn’t Sunday about enjoying/worshipping God at church???

Old Town Art Fair, part 2: We finally managed to get our act together and head around the corner (literally!) to the art fair. It was super crowded, but this time I got to see ALL the vendors. There was some beautiful painting & photography, some interesting sculpture & jewelry, some cool 3D art (mixed media, wood-painting, etc.), and some just plain bad abstracts. But it was still cool to see everything, and especially having it so accessible. I’m hoping to be a vendor/artist myself sometime in the future…maybe next year!

Monday…
Drove out to Oak Brook, IL, after work with Chelsea to a book-signing a la Bethenny Frankel (“character” from Real Housewives of New York City TV show and mistress of Bethenny Bakes and SkinnyGirl brands). She is hilarious in person (and really skinny!), and even the 3-hour wait in line was worth it to hear her talk!

Tuesday…
Cooking Class at Whole Foods with Patrick. We observed, tasted, drank and enjoyed a four-course meal prepared by a very fun chef! There was no hands-on cooking, but our instructor was entertaining and the food was delish.

Wednesday….
Resting. It’s been a busy past few days! 🙂

“Delight and true religion are as allied as root and flower; as indivisible as truth and certainty; they are, in fact, two precious jewels glittering side by side in a setting of gold.”
—C.H. Spurgeon

Spurgeon has a manner of expressing the realities of Christian living that is both poetic and literal–what an encouragement to look back through the years and read such accurate expressions of day to day faith.